Fuck You Thoughts.
i havent been able to sleep at all for the past 2 days. i feel hungry but my stupid braces hurt like a bitch. & im starting to feel sad over stupid shit. ]:
Lately i seem to be letting down everyone. Its funny how a change of scenery can alter your entire way of thinking. In high school all i did was strive to be nothing but the best, and i was. Straight A’s all 4 years, fuck even before high school ive always been an over achiever. But when i left to UCSD, i realized so much about myself. I missed my family so much and i just missed being in LA. I was suppose to be the one to become someone and get money and just be well educated. But i dont feel that way anymore. Now a days everyone wants to become wealthy and be everything the rich celebs are. But i dont. I dont want to go to school to get a degree in hopes of making a gang of money. I just want to go to school and do something i will be proud of. Something i enjoy. Something i wont regret when im 85 years old or something. I dont need to be ballin’ in order to find happiness. I just want to find happiness, which is something i know money wont buy. Knowing me, itll just complicate my life more. Maybe i sound like an idiot to whoever reads this, but i dont care. Im just tired of being considered the smart one. Or whatever. idk. im just overthinking everything as usual.
Heres to the extinction of my heart.
You know that saying “Curiosity killed the cat” ? This is a perfect moment to imply it to me. I hate the fact that i cant sleep. I wish i was asleep right now. I got on fb and noticed that my first love had just commented on something. And shes never on. SO i clicked it out of curiosity. Turns out shes pregnant and due on the 11th. My heart was completely crushed the moment i read that. And now ive been crying my ass of for an hour straight. Fuck im crying right now. And i dont know why. I just cant stop crying. Bad shit always happens to me. And im tired of it. Im tired of this happening to me. Im tired of caring so much about things that arent even important. I over think everything. And i cant do this anymore. I cant take this anymore. I hit my breaking point. Im beyond rock bottom. Im a walking corpse.
I want to lay here curled up in a little ball and never move again. I want to know why i couldnt be everything she ever wanted. Why im just not good enough for someone to decide to stick the fuck around. Fuck society and that stereotypical bullshit of what beauty is. I have so much to give and no one will take it. And im fed up. Im just freaking fed up. I want to stop crying. I want to stop having this shadow of depression that sneaks up on me when i least expect it. All i want is someone who will lay with me under the stars and will hold my hand. Someone who will talk to me the entire time while we stare up at the moon and talk about everything and nothing at the same time. Someone who wont leave. Someone who wont just walk out on me. Someone real. Someone, anyone. Someone who wont hurt me this much. But thats too much to ask for. And time is my worst enemy. I guess i really am better off alone. You cant get hurt if youre alone. </3
Most of the time Im really chill and dont let things get to me. But everyone has their breaking point. Theres thing we just cant cope with. Like rejection or being ridiculed. It hurts like a bitch. I always let it go but there are some times when i cant. Its dumb to let it affect me but i cant control my emotions. I can deal with the fact that im a lesbian. But i hate being judged for it. There are times when i wish i wasnt, because my life would be easier. Dont get me wrong though, i love being a lesbian but sometimes you just cant take feeling like everywhere you go youre gonna have to put up with someone giving you a dirty look or staring at you as if youre satan in the flesh. Come on.
I mean i cant even talk to a girl without her already assuming im gonna hit on her. It bugs me. Or i cant say i think shes “beautiful” cause already it means im trying to make her my girlfriend or something. yeah i like girls, but that doesnt mean i like every single one of them. Tonight i broke down. It was stupid, it IS stupid cause i still feel like shit. i guess im just venting. depressed as fuck at the moment but its okay, ill get over it eventually.